I Love You
I became aware yesterday of being in an intense week of ‘I love you’ - fully present, open and vulnerable. Otherwise it seems an unremarkable week. I am as neurotic as ever, a bit more stiff and tired, … afraid and pissed off with the state of the world. So what happened?
I Love you - He feels fear and shame, head bowed, and says, “I am bad and want to be better so that people will love me.” I am present with my own fear, badness and shame, feeling a tingling in my body. I have spent lot of time in this place. “Look at me. I love you. You don’t have to be anything else. I love you with all that you have, your needs, your shittiness, your snotty nose, … I Love you.” He breaks down sobbing, letting go into the embrace of love.
I Love you - He feels fear and shame, head bowed, and says, “I am bad and want to be better so that people will love me.” I am present with my own fear, badness and shame, feeling a tingling in my body. I have spent lot of time in this place. “Look at me. I love you. You don’t have to be anything else. I love you with all that you have, your needs, your shittiness, your snotty nose, … I Love you.” He breaks down sobbing, letting go into the embrace of love.
Life leads me into encounters and relationships, with myself and my body, with my family, with friends, with the greater ecology. In these encounters I find love, violence, sadness, pleasure, fear, anger, pain, joy, …. and everything in between. My infantile self wants to escape from the painful towards the pleasurable. It sees the world in that duality of negative-positive, dark-light, ... but with this limited awareness it often jumps from the frying pan into the fire.
I love you - He wins the game. He notices and points out my failings. He has superior arguments to cover his deep fear and to justify his aggression, all disguised as impassive authority. As he gathers the money off the table he looks at me with a relaxed disdain and superiority. I am present with my own arrogance and judgement and even vengeance over the stupid. I have struggled all my life with this part of me. I breathe for a while to stay present and real. “I love you. You are doing amazing.” I am speaking to this part of myself. He looks at me, a bit disoriented that I am not accusing him or fighting. A crack in his armour opens. I hold on to the love for my own arrogant inner despot and gaze back at him. “You are doing great, I love you”.
After a life of trying to escape, I can finally see that it does not work. I tried to escape from my painful emotions. I tried to escape from my body and sexuality. I tried to escape from family and other painful relationships. I studied all the philosophical and spiritual paths I could find to justify my disconnection from my body, my family and my world. I spent a lifetime trying to save and care for others, … saying ‘I love you’ from my disconnected place. My semi-conscious fantasy is that if I love everyone else then they will love me …. but, of course, I still feel unloved.
I love you – “I love you. Don’t leave me, I’m in pain, I need you. I’ll do anything for you.” she says. My first response is disgust. Feeling manipulated, I want to slap her and escape. Then on recognising my own inner manipulator I struggle to stay present, breathe myself back into my body. Present with feeling the fear, pain and abandonment, hers and mine, the desperation that drives our manipulation of love, … I breathe again “I love you. I am staying. I will be here when you need me.” I kiss the spider. She doesn’t turn into a princess but does relax from her desperation.
Finally, just being present to my own infinite neurotic chaos, embracing the pains and pleasures, loving my violence, my fears, my grief, … I begin to be able to stay present and find joy and love …. down in the smelly rotten roots of the Lotus flower.
I love you – We are so different in many ways. Unlikely partners. But then so similar in our style of sensitivity and fragility. Aware of this, there is deep respect and a special creative bond. We have shared so much from the deepest intimacy and creativity to great distance. Over ten years we have worked and danced together, supporting each other, learning together. This week in the middle of my neurotic chaos, angers, tiredness, … she appears in my mind. “I love you.” “I love you too.” No need for more words. No expectation of having to do anything else. There is a deep inner smile and warmth. There is a flowering freedom being in love.
I love you - He wins the game. He notices and points out my failings. He has superior arguments to cover his deep fear and to justify his aggression, all disguised as impassive authority. As he gathers the money off the table he looks at me with a relaxed disdain and superiority. I am present with my own arrogance and judgement and even vengeance over the stupid. I have struggled all my life with this part of me. I breathe for a while to stay present and real. “I love you. You are doing amazing.” I am speaking to this part of myself. He looks at me, a bit disoriented that I am not accusing him or fighting. A crack in his armour opens. I hold on to the love for my own arrogant inner despot and gaze back at him. “You are doing great, I love you”.
After a life of trying to escape, I can finally see that it does not work. I tried to escape from my painful emotions. I tried to escape from my body and sexuality. I tried to escape from family and other painful relationships. I studied all the philosophical and spiritual paths I could find to justify my disconnection from my body, my family and my world. I spent a lifetime trying to save and care for others, … saying ‘I love you’ from my disconnected place. My semi-conscious fantasy is that if I love everyone else then they will love me …. but, of course, I still feel unloved.
I love you – “I love you. Don’t leave me, I’m in pain, I need you. I’ll do anything for you.” she says. My first response is disgust. Feeling manipulated, I want to slap her and escape. Then on recognising my own inner manipulator I struggle to stay present, breathe myself back into my body. Present with feeling the fear, pain and abandonment, hers and mine, the desperation that drives our manipulation of love, … I breathe again “I love you. I am staying. I will be here when you need me.” I kiss the spider. She doesn’t turn into a princess but does relax from her desperation.
Finally, just being present to my own infinite neurotic chaos, embracing the pains and pleasures, loving my violence, my fears, my grief, … I begin to be able to stay present and find joy and love …. down in the smelly rotten roots of the Lotus flower.
I love you – We are so different in many ways. Unlikely partners. But then so similar in our style of sensitivity and fragility. Aware of this, there is deep respect and a special creative bond. We have shared so much from the deepest intimacy and creativity to great distance. Over ten years we have worked and danced together, supporting each other, learning together. This week in the middle of my neurotic chaos, angers, tiredness, … she appears in my mind. “I love you.” “I love you too.” No need for more words. No expectation of having to do anything else. There is a deep inner smile and warmth. There is a flowering freedom being in love.