The Inner Child
The Inner child is that unconscious part of our self and ego that sometimes seems to explode or undermine us in stressful moments. It is deeply related to our self-esteem. This is all based on the primary formation of boundaries and interfaces with the world that were fixed in utero and in our early childhood by the complex relationship between:
1. genetic history, family , ancestors, …
2. spiritual history - past lives – other energetic factors, ….
3. the loving interaction with our environment:
Usually, in infancy, there will be a cocktail of types of invasion and abandonment of the baby/child, a variety of early experiences leading to the above symptoms later as an adult. Many modern young adults have grown up in relative material comfort, they were not beaten, so they have great difficulty in identifying the infantile causes of their adult difficulties. Indeed they will defend their parents and childhood as having been 'happy'. But where there is a chronic adult symptom we always have to look more deeply at the early childhood as the period where we develop our self-esteem and style of relating that will be our character in life.
Since our parents and primary carers are normal imperfect humans there is always some damage in the formation of our self, ego and boundaries. This damage is a complex mix of Invasion and Abandonment that can happen in every area of our being – physical, relational, cognitive, emotional:
Invasion: This might be actual physical or sexual abuse .. but more often, and more difficult to identify, is where the parents themselves lack healthy boundaries and healthy adult relationships so unconsciously discharge their own desperate emotional needs through the children. The emotional needs of the parents disrupt the ability of the child to establish healthy boundaries. This can include: inappropriate touching, critical comments about the body and its functions, stress around eating, confiding inappropriately with the child, charging the child with inappropriate information or decisions, criticising the other parent or siblings, enforcing beliefs, criticising or ridiculing the child's ideas (actions, emotions, relationships), rational lectures about behaviour way beyond the child's understanding, restrictions on behaviour, having no privacy or no right to say “no”, restrictions on free play, restrictions on free expression and exploration, reading the child's diary, taking her possessions, restrictions on playmates, restricting emotional expression, overwhelming emotional situations, overt or subtle implicit threats around any of these issues … often this includes the threat of abandonment.
Abandonment: The child needs the presence of the parents to help them understand and integrate their needs and emotions. Parents are often physically and emotionally absent for a range of 'reasons': Work, television, materialism, … their own emotional incapacity - absent fathers .. mother present physically (food, clothes) but not emotionally. This can include: being left to cry, sleeping alone, lack of safe intimate touch, lack of extensive eye contact, lack of physical and creative play, being sent to nursery and school (worse to boarding school), lack of emotional expression in the parents, not seeing the parents loving interaction or conflict resolution, parents inhibition in accompanying the child’s sexual and gender development, receiving material goods and treats instead of satisfying the real emotional needs, lack of clear contracts and boundaries from the parents, doing 'everything' for the child so as to avoid any conflicts in negotiating with the child to take appropriate responsibilities (for managing her own clothes, making her own bed, tidying toys, …), lack of clear appropriate guidelines for rewards or punishments, giving in to the demands of the child so as to avoid negotiating appropriate clear boundaries, ...
This complex invasion and abandonment in our childhood are the causes of our lack of self-esteem and inability to form and maintain clear boundaries in certain relationships and other aspects of our lives. Certain actions might have a complex mix of both invasion and abandonment - for example: the parent cooks, cleans, tidies, leaving the child excluded and impotent …. but this is done with disdain, and criticism, or a sense of martyrdom … “how much I do for you, how much I suffer for you, how much we pay for your education”. There is often a range of very confusing mixes where each parent both invades and abandons in their own neurotic style. We can see that we have all suffered from many of these experiences. We all have some issues with our boundaries and self-esteem.
Most modern adults have grown in this complex, often subtle, environment of invasion and abandonment, without having been beaten, having had their material needs met …. but have severe confusion and boundary crises in their relationships. It is difficult for us to see why we have difficulties and where our pains come from. There is a an existential need for some deep Spiritual Counselling. Sadly, this is the massive client group for superficial New Age and Self Development books and courses.
1. genetic history, family , ancestors, …
2. spiritual history - past lives – other energetic factors, ….
3. the loving interaction with our environment:
- how our basic needs are satisfied or not: food, touch, presence, gazing, warmth, sound/song/voice, play learning, digestion, urination and defecation, rest and sleep,
- the emotional environment we grow in related to satisfying these basic needs: recognition, acceptance, participation, intimacy, love, …. invasion … abandonment, ...
Usually, in infancy, there will be a cocktail of types of invasion and abandonment of the baby/child, a variety of early experiences leading to the above symptoms later as an adult. Many modern young adults have grown up in relative material comfort, they were not beaten, so they have great difficulty in identifying the infantile causes of their adult difficulties. Indeed they will defend their parents and childhood as having been 'happy'. But where there is a chronic adult symptom we always have to look more deeply at the early childhood as the period where we develop our self-esteem and style of relating that will be our character in life.
Since our parents and primary carers are normal imperfect humans there is always some damage in the formation of our self, ego and boundaries. This damage is a complex mix of Invasion and Abandonment that can happen in every area of our being – physical, relational, cognitive, emotional:
Invasion: This might be actual physical or sexual abuse .. but more often, and more difficult to identify, is where the parents themselves lack healthy boundaries and healthy adult relationships so unconsciously discharge their own desperate emotional needs through the children. The emotional needs of the parents disrupt the ability of the child to establish healthy boundaries. This can include: inappropriate touching, critical comments about the body and its functions, stress around eating, confiding inappropriately with the child, charging the child with inappropriate information or decisions, criticising the other parent or siblings, enforcing beliefs, criticising or ridiculing the child's ideas (actions, emotions, relationships), rational lectures about behaviour way beyond the child's understanding, restrictions on behaviour, having no privacy or no right to say “no”, restrictions on free play, restrictions on free expression and exploration, reading the child's diary, taking her possessions, restrictions on playmates, restricting emotional expression, overwhelming emotional situations, overt or subtle implicit threats around any of these issues … often this includes the threat of abandonment.
Abandonment: The child needs the presence of the parents to help them understand and integrate their needs and emotions. Parents are often physically and emotionally absent for a range of 'reasons': Work, television, materialism, … their own emotional incapacity - absent fathers .. mother present physically (food, clothes) but not emotionally. This can include: being left to cry, sleeping alone, lack of safe intimate touch, lack of extensive eye contact, lack of physical and creative play, being sent to nursery and school (worse to boarding school), lack of emotional expression in the parents, not seeing the parents loving interaction or conflict resolution, parents inhibition in accompanying the child’s sexual and gender development, receiving material goods and treats instead of satisfying the real emotional needs, lack of clear contracts and boundaries from the parents, doing 'everything' for the child so as to avoid any conflicts in negotiating with the child to take appropriate responsibilities (for managing her own clothes, making her own bed, tidying toys, …), lack of clear appropriate guidelines for rewards or punishments, giving in to the demands of the child so as to avoid negotiating appropriate clear boundaries, ...
This complex invasion and abandonment in our childhood are the causes of our lack of self-esteem and inability to form and maintain clear boundaries in certain relationships and other aspects of our lives. Certain actions might have a complex mix of both invasion and abandonment - for example: the parent cooks, cleans, tidies, leaving the child excluded and impotent …. but this is done with disdain, and criticism, or a sense of martyrdom … “how much I do for you, how much I suffer for you, how much we pay for your education”. There is often a range of very confusing mixes where each parent both invades and abandons in their own neurotic style. We can see that we have all suffered from many of these experiences. We all have some issues with our boundaries and self-esteem.
Most modern adults have grown in this complex, often subtle, environment of invasion and abandonment, without having been beaten, having had their material needs met …. but have severe confusion and boundary crises in their relationships. It is difficult for us to see why we have difficulties and where our pains come from. There is a an existential need for some deep Spiritual Counselling. Sadly, this is the massive client group for superficial New Age and Self Development books and courses.